Always Page 7

  “How do we get down? We’re up so high!” My breath caught in my throat and my heart raced.

  “Tati, we get down the same way we got up. One little step at a time. Don’t worry, I’ll go first and guide you down. If you slip, I’ll catch you. I promise. Nothing will happen to my Cheetah-girl.”

  ✽✽✽

  The drive home brought a change in mood. James seemed lighter after confiding in me. He turned up the radio and we sang along the whole way home. When we pulled into his driveway, I exited the car and saw a figure bundled in a coat sitting on our front steps sipping from a paper coffee cup and reading a book. James was reaching out for me to give me a hug as I sprinted away from him and toward my house. He shouted after me, “Tati? You ok?”

  “Mamma!” I ran toward her as she stood up with her arms outstretched to catch me as I flung myself at her, hugging her tightly around her neck; she lifted me off the ground swinging me back and forth like a pendulum. Dozens of kisses plastered my cheeks and forehead as she held me tighter. “I thought you weren’t coming home for another week!” “Tati, I missed you so much! My girl! My girl! My girl! I am so happy to hold you! My baby girl!:

  We stayed like that for a long moment until she caught a glimpse of James standing on the edge of the lawn staring at us smiling. “That must be the boy I’ve heard so much about.”

  I looked over at James and my mamma released our embrace and guided my feet back down to the ground. I held her hand and pulled her over to him.

  “That’s my best friend! Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

  ✽✽✽

  Later that evening after we ate dinner, my mamma and I were snuggled on the couch sharing a blanket wrapped around our shoulders quietly talking when my mom walked in the door with a huge bouquet of flowers. She dropped her purse and keys next to the door and in two steps was at the couch holding out the flowers to her wife. “Iris! You’re really here!” My mamma jumped up and scooped my mom into her arms, kissing her softly on the lips.

  My mamma smiled a toothy grin. “Surprise!”

  “You’re really here!” My mom dropped the flowers on the couch and put her hands on my mamma’s cheeks staring deeply into her eyes. They kissed again, more deeply this time. I smiled as I took the flowers and put them into a vase in the kitchen.

  I rejoined them in the living room and wrapped my arms around both of them, squeezing tightly. They guided their arms around me to include me in their hug. My mamma whispered lovingly, “My family.”

  We released our embrace and collapsed down onto the couch all cuddling together. My mom spoke, “I thought you weren’t coming home for another week?”

  “I wanted to surprise you two. I’ve been working on my transfer paperwork for a while to get the date pushed up and it finally came through. I’m here. For good! I have time off through Thanksgiving and then I’ll start up at the medical center on base the next week.” She smiled looking from my mom to me and back again. My parents kissed again.

  I excused myself to go to my room to leave them free to reconnect. “I’m going to go video chat with Janey. Goodnight. I love you.”

  My family was back together again. Things were looking up.

  ✽✽✽

  The next morning, my parents awakened me by one lying on the right side of me and the other on my left, singing out, “Tatiana sandwich!” They hadn’t done that in years and I laughed myself awake.

  My mamma sat up, “Tati get dressed. I want us all to go for a run this morning and then I want to cook my family a big Sunday breakfast with banana pancakes and eggs - the works!” Excited by the promise of pancakes later, I climbed over her to get ready. As I searched my drawer for some warm running gear, my mom picked up my phone from the bedside table when it chimed with a text alert. She looked at the screen.

  “Tati, it’s James.” She held out the phone to me and glanced at my mamma. “Why don’t you see if he wants to come running with us.” Smiling she raised her eyebrows and wiggled the phone until I took it from her.

  “Look at that grin,” my mamma teased, “she’s a smitten kitten.” My mom giggled and nodded in agreement as I blushed from head to toe.

  I cleared my throat and unlocked the screen to read his text, my parents’ eyes boring into me. “Oh my god! Stop staring! Get out of here!” They begrudgingly left the room with smiles and went to the living room to wait.

  James

  You up? It’s cool your mamma is home! Can

  we hang out today or do you want to spend

  time alone with them?

  Me

  As a matter of fact, my mom just invited

  you to go running with us right now.

  James

  YES! be right over!!

  By the time I got dressed, James was already sitting in the living room with my parents. His clear, emerald eyes met mine and he broke into a wide smile. “Hey! Morning, Cheetah-girl!” I awkwardly smiled, and my cheeks flushed as my parents looked at James to try to understand what he just called me.

  After a beat to process what he had said, my mamma spoke up, “Ok, I have to know. Did you just call her Cheetah-girl?” This time James blushed.

  He held my gaze. “She runs fast like a cheetah.” I attempted to make a cheetah growl noise. We both laughed.

  “Well ok, Cheetah-girl,” my mom teasingly winked at me, “Let’s get you running.”

  ✽✽✽

  After the four of us ran ten miles, my mamma invited James to stay for breakfast. Then my mom invited him to go to the bookstore with us. After the bookstore, we went to lunch at a Korean food truck. The day went on and on with my parents inviting him to join in with whatever we were doing, including raking the leaves, and he enthusiastically agreed.

  My parents were doing the dinner dishes when James asked if he could see my bedroom. I led the way and sat on the bed resting my back against the pillows with my legs crossed. James explored my bookshelf and a picture collage that Janey made for me before I moved.

  I was a bit nervous having him in there and wondered what he was thinking about as he explored. “Hey, James, want to listen to some music? Finn sent me a playlist the other

  day that’s really great.”

  “Yeah, ok.” He turned to face me and stood there awkwardly.

  “You can come sit with me. It’s ok.”

  I connected my phone’s Bluetooth to the speaker and played the first song. As it began, James sat down next to me matching my crossed legs. My breath caught in my chest as his arm brushed against mine when he leaned against the headboard. “What band is this?”

  “It’s called Siren Call. They’re Austrian. Honestly, I haven’t heard of most of the bands Finn likes, but he’s teaching me a lot about music. This is his international playlist with bands from all over the world.”

  We sat listening until the end of the first song on the playlist before he spoke. “Yeah. I like that song. Finn’s pretty cool. I like him.”

  “He was the first friend I made at Lincoln. He likes you, too. He wishes you were gay because, and I quote, ‘That’s a man I can get behind.’” James laughed and shook his head.

  The second song on the playlist began. We relaxed against the headboard and James turned his head to face me.

  “What’s this one?”

  I looked into his emerald green eyes and my stomach flipped a bit with the connection I felt between us. “It’s a band from Sweden called Suburban Kids with Biblical Names.” He laughed.

  “Random name! I like it though. It makes me feel happy. What’s the song called?”

  I giggled after looking up the title. “Glad it makes you happy. It’s called Funeral Face.” James chuckled.

  “Knock, knock!” My parents entered my room holding hands. My mom continued, “We’re going to bed, mamma’s still on D.C. time and is asleep on her feet and I have my usual shift tomorrow. It’s a school night, please don’t stay too much longer, James.” My parents took turns kissing me and wishing me a goodnight
and my mom kissed James on the top of his head, too. He smiled as his eyes met mine. “Not too late.” They left my door open, but I heard their bedroom door close a moment later.

  “Are your moms always that nice or was it just because I was here?”

  I laughed. “No, they’re always like that. That’s the best thing about them. They have always been super accepting of anyone I’ve brought home: friends, boyfriends, caterpillars, injured birds.”

  James’ eyes flashed. “You’ve had boyfriends?”

  “Yeah. Two. The first was sophomore year - Dashiell.”

  “Dashiell?”

  “Mmm-hmm. Dashiell. Like the author, Dashiell Hammet? Dash for short. Anyway, he’s brilliant and laid back and super nice to everyone. He’s like the kindest, most caring person I’ve ever met. And he’s a total nerd – always with his nose in a book. You would really like him! You like a lot of the same things. I could totally see you two in a bromance.” James raised his eyebrows and looked down at his lap.

  “We were friends for a long time. One day we realized we actually liked each other as more than friends and just kinda went for it … I loved him, and it probably would have lasted longer, but his dad transferred to a different base two

  weeks after we got together. We’re still friends though. We video chat every now and again.”

  I paused and looked over at James. His expression was flat and I looked away. “Then, last year, Tristan - he turned out to be a complete jerk. So yeah. Boyfriends. What about you?”

  “No boyfriends.” I laughed at his joke. “But girlfriends, yeah. Maybe like seven or eight?”

  “Player!” I joked. James blushed.

  “Maybe a little.” His emerald eyes met mine and he looked away. “For a while there anyway… a lot of random hookups. Nothing serious.” My stomach dropped at the words “random hookups”.

  “Then for about a month was this girl named Piper. She was cute, blonde, big blue eyes, but we didn’t have that much in common. She was pretty much the complete opposite of you.

  “Then as you know, for the last few months on and off was Brittany. I liked her, but it was never easy to talk to her, like, we weren’t really friends and I never felt good when I was

  with her. I’ve told you things I never told her because I think she liked the idea of a boyfriend more than she actually liked me. I guess I never really trusted her the way I trust you. Huh, I never realized that ‘til just now. Crazy. ... I mean, I won’t lie, the sex was pretty hot,” he let out an awkward, embarrassed laugh, “but every time we broke up I was actually relieved.”

  His voice softened. “And now … I want to take the next step with the person I really like.”

  As he catalogued his pretty conquests I felt angry and sick. I didn’t want to hear about his hookups! And I especially didn’t want to hear about Brittany knowing her suspension was up tomorrow and I’d have to face her at school. James quietly continued talking. “Cheetah-girl… will you -” I shook my head and tensed up. “Tati, what’s wrong?”

  You know, I’m tired. See you tomorrow at school? I’m going to skip my run tomorrow morning, so I can spend more time with my mamma.”

  I jumped up off my bed and walked out of the bedroom leaving James sitting on the bed. He stood up and followed me to the living room as I approached the front door. I opened

  it and a burst of cold air blew into the house. I crossed my arms over my chest to keep warm.

  “Good night, James.” I smiled a weak smile. He leaned down to be eye to eye.

  “Tati, what’s wrong? We were fine a second ago and now you’re kicking me out.”

  “I’m not kicking you out. I’m tired. School night.”

  James grew frustrated. “You weren’t tired two minutes ago. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Tati, I’m calling bullshit on that. Talk to me.”

  “James. It’s fine. It’s nothing. Spending time with you all weekend meant a lot to me, but now I really need you to go home.”

  “Wait. Is this because I was talking about my ex-girlfriends?” I started to say no, but when I looked into his eyes I pouted and couldn’t get out the words. He let out a frustrated sigh. “Tati, come on! You were talking about your ex-boyfriends!”

  Tension built up in my body and I blurted, “I didn’t know you had so many. I was surprised! And that you went from girl to girl randomly hooking up? I just never pictured you being that way. I thought you were way sweeter than that.” I shook my head in frustration as James blushed deeply and looked down at his feet.

  “Tati, I’m not proud of th-“

  “And the thing Brittany did to me is - I’m still upset by it and to think that you two - and it was - Oh my god! I just remembered that when we were running on Monday you told me you did it like four times last weekend!” I let out a frustrated growl.

  “I just don’t want to picture it, ok? She hurt me so bad, James, she was a total bitch to me and I never did anything to her except be nice and thinking about you and her being all hot and naked together makes me sick!” Angry tears ran down my cheeks.

  With flashing eyes, James slipped on his shoes and stepped out the door. As I was closing it behind him, he

  turned around and put his hand out to stop me. “Tati, were you even listening in there? You don’t get it. God! You don’t get it at all!” He turned to leave and then spun back around. “And for the record, I hated hearing about your ex-boyfriends.” He turned and jogged back to his house.

  I closed the door and leaned my forehead against it. What did I just do?

  8

  The next morning, my mamma and I sat at the dining room table and ate breakfast together. “Something’s wrong, Tati.” I shook my head and looked away. “Tatiana, something’s wrong. I can see it in your face. Talk to me.”

  I hadn’t gotten that much sleep last night because my brain was on a loop. I was confused by my fight with James and nervous about seeing Brittany back at school today. The thoughts looped over and over and over all night as I tossed and turned. I let out a long sigh and looked into my mamma’s empathetic eyes. I started to cry tired, frustrated tears.

  “I had a fight with James last night and I’m sad and confused.”

  “You had a fight? You looked like two peas in a pod when we said good night. What happened?”

  I wiped at my tears and took a breath. “So we were just talking and somehow, I don’t even know, we started talking about our exes. But one of his exes is Brittany.”

  “Brittany? What am I missing?”

  “Brittany! Brittany who put the red paint and used maxi pads all over my locker.”

  My mamma tensed. “Oh.” She reached out to hold my hand.

  “I don’t know … he said they had sex… and then he told me that there were all these other random girls that he hooked up with. I just got so pissed and I ended up yelling at him and made him go home.”

  “Tatiana, I’m going to be honest with you. You have a deep crush on James and that pissed off feeling is jealousy. It’s difficult to picture someone you like being intimate with someone else.” I looked away from my mamma. “Tati, look at me. It’s normal to have those feelings, but you can’t let them ruin what you two have going right now. There’s a reason jealousy is called the ‘Green Eyed Monster’ – it can get pretty ugly in a hurry.

  “Here’s your life lesson for the day: you must accept relationships for what they are in the present moment. Right now, you two are best friends, but you’re starting to imagine possibilities beyond that. You’re walking that uncomfortable

  Line when feelings start to evolve. That’s why it’s causing you heartache, but, Tati, lean into the present moment to save yourself the pain. Appreciate the close friendship you two have. Let it be what it is. That kind of friendship is rare in this life.”

  I looked back at her and cried harder. “It’s not just that, mamma, Brittany’s suspension is over and she is allowed back in class today and I’m terr
ified to see her. I don’t know if I can face her… Like part of me wants to hide in the bathroom all day… And now James is pissed at me and I feel like I might have ruined things and it’s too hard to picture him with those other girls when I’m right here and would want to be his girlfriend except for he told me I am the complete opposite of all of them.” I put my head down on the table. My mamma rubbed my back.

  “You got a lot of feelings fighting with each other in that head of yours, don’t you?” With my head still on the table I nodded. “Sweetheart … Tatiana … I’d like to offer a bit more advice, but it’s up to you if you want to hear it.” I raised my head and looked my mamma in the eye.

  I read this quote the other day and it was something like, inner peace begins the moment you choose NOT to allow your emotions to control you. I know it’s hard, but you are strong and have the ability to make this into something positive. If I were you, I would be my best self today to show everyone that Tati is fierce, brave, and beautiful.

  “Wear the outfit that makes you feel your most powerful and authentic and stand tall and proud to show Brittany that she can’t hurt you anymore. Show her that she doesn’t matter in your world, that women in this family don’t break, we rise up stronger than before! Make a point to make your day great for you, not anyone else.” I nodded. “And as for James, be his fierce, brave, beautiful best friend. Appreciate what you have with him because it’s pretty great. I’m sure the two of you will be back to being two peas in a pod soon enough and if it’s meant to be something more, that will reveal itself when the time is right.”

  My mamma stood up and opened her arms to invite me into a hug. I joined her and we held each other tightly. She released the embrace and held me at arm’s distance by my